Rediscovering yourself

While I was interested in writing a blog on individuality because of my experience with finding myself, my initial motivation for it was because I had gone through a bad breakup, and I went through a truly life changing time.

The breakup, for me, was unexpected and indescribably upsetting. At the time, it was my Christmas break from college, and my then boyfriend had just spent Christmas and New Years on the other side of the country with my family. Needless to say, I thought things were going well. I was staying at a friend’s house when the actual breakup occurred, which is where I went through all of the obligatory stages. The depression, not eating, the crying, the calling mom and sisters, the anger, the “why did this happen?”, the “why doesn’t he want me?”, the “I deserve better”.

But then the recovery stage began. For the first time in a year and a half, it was just me. I was by myself, and then, slowly, it started to get better. In fact, I remember the turning point. When I returned to my bedroom at school, I grabbed everything that belonged to my ex, and put it in a pile. I didn’t throw it, I didn’t break anything, I didn’t cry, I just made a pile. I left my room then, and returned hours later, and put the pile away. Refolded the clothes, alphabetized the books, and carefully placed the ukulele on my extra bed. When I called my divorced mother that night to tell her what it felt like to return to my room and return to the memories, she knew exactly what I had experienced, and said, understandingly: “Sometimes, you just need to put everything into a big pile.” I knew then that I was going to be okay.

As I made my way through the recovery stage, I became happy with myself again. I told my friends that for the first time in a year and a half, I was by myself and I loved myself. I loved myself! What a feeling. I remembered what it was like to function as an individual, not with my boyfriend as a couple, and it was wonderful. My mother, one of the wisest people I know, told me that “It’s times like these when everyone watches you to see how you react. The best thing you can do is smile so they can see how strong you are.” And I did. Surprisingly, forcing myself to smile helped me become happier. Moping wouldn’t have helped, in fact, it might have pushed friends away. They all admired my strength for having a smile, and respected me for having a positive outlook despite the less than ideal circumstances I was in.

The irony of this whole ordeal was the way my ex reacted to my positivity. I was not bitter towards him at all, because the breakup had helped me to remember what I loved about being by myself. When we began spending time together again, he was completely crestfallen at my smile (thanks mom!). Later, a friend told me that he had said: “I broke up with her, yet she seems to be happier about it.” While I wasn’t bitter or attempting to get revenge in any ways, hearing this made me feel better because it reminded me that I was okay.

Moral of the story, especially for anyone having gone through an bad breakup, is that good things can absolutely come from bad circumstances. And, in the case of relationships, being alone – even if its forced and unwanted – can help you to rediscover yourself.